Collaborative Short Story

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The Collaborative Short Story was started with a post by Xeon on the 15th of November, 2004, in the Ephemera forum of the ZBB. It was quite surreal, nonsensical, with varying levels of quality.

The Story

Stave 1

In the land of the Bushians, there was a hobbit who loved eggs. And the hobbit wanted to be forgotten. One day he decided to fight the government. He formed a political party. Then Homeland Security came, gave him a medal, which depicted obscene sheep sex (sic). He didn't like it being so inadequate for his ego, and also because of the fat woman who was included (sic).

He, being a hobbit, also enjoyed pickles and shiny things and planning revolutions against his own mother, who mistreated him very much, forbidding him cheese and anything with pickles or linguistics. The first was justified, on the grounds that he slept with sheep. But the other wasn't because he only did it on Wednesdays and only after taking drugs. He loved cheese and pickles, not to mention tofu and boobs. The only thing he didn't like was perfume, which made him sneeze, regardless of all the times he dressed up in women's clothes.

One day, he went to the supermarket. The next day, he didn't, because he then had enough food. The next day, a big freakin' bird flew by, and a CIA agent assassinated him for his role in plotting a revolution against the government of San Marino. But he survived the assassination, due to the fact that he was wearing a bullet-proof vest. Suddenly, Kirby, Space Ghost, and "Lowtax" Kyanka were nowhere to be found. Four hours later, the hobbit and his best friend decided to kidnap George Bush and hold him for ransom. The hobbit and his best friend decided to make the ransom equal to the entire us (sic) deficit and one cent so that no one could buy George Bush out of captivity. And the Dark Lord K'ôrhûg'gè, with his magic talisman and endless slave army, banished the conservatives to the Dark Land of Utah, where they might live amongst their bretheren (sic).

Meanwhile, back at the UN HQ, Super Annan himself was prepering to take action, but there was a ring of kryptonite bound to his ankle, so he enlisted the help of the Canadian military, but their general was a Khoisan anarchist who refused to use the chain of command properly, and the army was soon scattering in the direction of the woman doing obscene things to sheep, one of which was a CIA agent in disguise, without which that which under whom he failed to use his pronouns correctly. Hold Start, Select, <, ^, <, A, <, B, <, >, A, release Start, Select, FATALITY (sic).

The hobbit, having ripped Annan's skeleton from his body without marking the skin or flesh, hung it up in a biology classroom, to be used to teach high-schoolers that Adam really does have one less rib than Eve, then made love to a sheepish woman who had watched a little too much of Lord of the Rings. Next, he had lunch with a Wallooon (sic), who had overactive mammary glands. Her big bouncy boom-booms blithely bored britches-bearing butterflies. The hobbit's name is Jericholebrâshæ. He was christened by a wombat with Anglican rituals and Lutheran psalms in its heart, baby, to whom a Transylvanian tap-dancing toad was engaged.

The wombat was called Xuac'tatlw and was severely bipolar. And his bipolarity oscillated every half second, causing a storm in China 1,000 years later. The storm was named Doris, and rained out a performance of Jianq Qing’s famous revolutionary opera The Red Detachment of Women. All the opera-goers were enraged at this, and decided to move to Italy, making sure to pack their copies of Quotations from Chairman Mao Tse-Tung, and swearing to get revenge for Marco Polo, and then killed Warm, who didn't take it very well and who swore on his life (or lack thereof) to learn Mandarin so he could swear at and curse the Chinese forever, but unfortunately had learned Cantonese instead, and was forced to iron his own hand upon discovering this mistake but celebrated anyway on realizing he could pronounce six distinct tones and was ready to move on to Vietnamese and Hmong. Though still shunned by the Great White Western Race, and in shame he cut off his epicanthic folds with a dull knife (sic), replacing them with a partridge in a pear tree.

Then he happily frolicked in a meadow until a fridge fell on him, A (sic) nearsighted, unemployed male stripper from Carlyle came to his rescue (sic) and he instantaneously mutated into a giant, wart-covered humanoid frog which implanted its spawn in a pile of rancid compost somewhere in Siberia. The compost heap was irradiated and mutated into a gaint spoon. The hobbit used the spoon to eat ice cream, which tasted vaguely of rootbeer, menstrual fluid, and sheep blood. Thereafter the ice cream didn’t agree with the hobbit and he farted with tones 1-0-3-2-1.

While he slept, the ice cream in his gut mutated then decided it wasn't much fun, and stopped. But it was too late, the mutation had run it's (sic) course. It had now become: ice gream, which proceeded to dissolve his viscera from the inside, in a most mellifluously melancholy manner. Then his duodenum unexpectedly became a portal to the Nether Hells. If not for the courage and sacrifice of his phyloric sphincter, all would have been lost! And then some stuff was lost to the Nether Hells anyway, the portal passing out of his rectum and into the sewer system of the City of Shaleaville in the Dark Land of Utah Where the Bogey-Mormons blithely munch salt-water taffy with no caffeinated drink at their side, oh no! But that all changed one day, when a Starbuck's (sic) opened in the Bowels of Hell, from which they drew their coffee beans and treacle. The demons liked to drink their coffee, tea, or "hot chocolate" nice and frigid vodka (sic); not Smirnoff, but real Russian vodka. And when they were done, they would often go around pumping homokaasu through the vents of cars with Republican bumper stickers, and the vents of the people in them burst open and let through a torrent of a mysterious toxic and fatal substance that some crazy scientists like to think only harms conservatives, except that it really does, and makes liberals smell vaguely of pineapple.

Afterward, a giant friendly liberal hobbit, decided to rid the world of ignorance, starvation, disease, extra taxes, and seized power in Washington, creating a benign so-called "dictatorship" (really a project of socialism for the entire world rather than only the rich), except that he didn’t know who Anne Coulter was, and so was liquidated by her. The only problem was that the bflgh (big friendly liberal giant hobbit) had a very strong ally, who was infuriated at the murder of the hobbit and annihialated [how do you spell that?] Anne Coulter and all of her cronies and succeeded the hobbit and ruled the world justly and wisely. Then the hobbit turned, put on his boots and raincoat, and, having forgotten to put anything else on traveled back in time to become the Goatse guy. But, since he had skipped to many C++ classes, the time machine went bonkers and ended up in the land of the VBasici tribe where they destroyed it thinking it was an evil fluffy diseased kitten/rabbit, named Bunnicula, who stalked celery at midnight and sucked it dry of all its juices, but never used Cheeze Whiz, as to not diminish the natural flavour. Bunnicula decided to kill Trebor because he could. Then he went mad, remembering he was only somebody's mistaken belief about a time machine. But alas, alack, forsooth; he was violently broomhandle-raped by an angry bear. Still insane from remembering that he was only a mistaken belief in a time machine, he languorously gets dressed, then walks out the door to violently slay people who change tense in the middle of a story. He put his story back into past tense, and rode off into the sunset in his Honda with his bitches, blunts, and 40s.

Suddenly, Ned Flanders on his horse-drawn chariot rode up alongside him and said, "Holy fuck, that's just not cricket!", or at least he would've if the next post hadn't opened a new page, thus completely losing the thread. After this happy meeting, Bunnicula expeditiously lept (sic) through the fabric of the spacetime (sic) continuum, and was never heard from again. Then all of a sudden, Abraham Lincoln lept (sic) through the same portal Bunnicula departed from and began breakdancing to the tune of We Like To Party, but with the lyrics of I Like Bukkake. Meanwhile, in an orifice not far away, Jesus healed the lepers and turned into SUPER JESUS, after which he cast those trying to Latinize English into Hell, and set his slave-monks to work on Basque-derived linguifacture. At this point, our protagonist earned a Ph.D. in LINGUISTIC ARCHEOLOGY and renamed himself Jewel, and proceeded to dance around New York singing "Follow Your Intuition".

After the singing concluded, he was silenced permanently by an army of vicious rats commanded by a reclusive man from Donald Trump's magical toupée, where noxious people were imbibing large quantities of "magic" bon bons, the insides of which were filled with raw sewage and cat hair. I also think Carthage should be destroyed. After our hero deleted the complete non sequitur in the previous sentence, he restarted his quest to restore a lost mojo back to Lord Voldemort's cross-dressing communist vegetarian pederastic second-cousin's third-aunt once removed's wife's adopted niece's imaginary friend's sexy pants that always catch my eye when he walks by, shakin' that thing, shakin' that thing. And thus began part two of our story, wherein accounts are hacked and toenails are glued to rabid, horny fire hydrants.

Our original protagonist, having long since gone the way of the dodo, finally woke up from the long horrible dream recounted by the above story, only to discover the new magical hair product made from pickled brain matter, with which one was able to not only grow smooth brilliant hair, but was also able to develop a severe case of Mad Cow Disease, otherwise known as dementibovitis, a term coined by one Prof. Lacquoiffp, who was shortly violently executed by the Committee for the Prevention of Pseudo-Latin Coinages. And then this mild detour ended and our hero developed a severe addition to heroin, McRibwiches, and got a heart attack and a free heart for being such a good sport. The hobbit then ate some deviled eggs. He felt a bit sick at this so eat (sic) godded eggs to make it better but it just made it worse. Then, the shit really hit the fan, causing a huge mess. And the hobbit went mad from witnessing an actualized metaphor and a bad pun. His cleaning lady wondered why on earth anyone would be so daft as to eat with bare buttocks pointing to a fan. The hobbit then wondered why he suddenly had a cleaning lady and kicked her to timbuktu (sic) where she started trading salt successfully.

There in Timbuktu, she met a man who wondered why everyone has switched to complete sentences for some reason. Then, all of a sudden. An African chieftain (either Dogon or Wodaabe) happened to be strolling by at the time, clad in nothing but a smile, when the hobbit came, realising he needed a cleaner after all. Then, out of the blue, his mother arrived and offered to be his cleaner under oppressive wages and the ever-present threat of sexism, thus spake the man in Timbuktu. Suddenly a shot rang out! Nearby, a family reunion of people named "Kinidie" fell to the ground and started rolling about. They bumped into a family reunion of people named "Jones", who were rolling about just for the heck of it. Subsequently, a dog, dressed as a Cosmonaut, fell out of the sky, and proceeded to transform himself into Boris Yeltsin. Boris spoke to the hobbit in a thick Russian accent, and told him that he would have to thereafter jelly his death into a waffle, wherefrom would he aggrandize ten lawyers, who all married accountants, and who had all failed the bar exam from drinking too heavily the night before, and then realized that the so-called "beer" they served was actually urine, acetone, and a sort of "timebomb cyanide", which gave the drinker a day to live before he or she would experience a violent compulsion to read Nazism for Dummies and copulate for the glory of Rome and fall over dead.

Meanwhile, Francis "Swamp Fox" Marion and his band of 2-legged thieves proceeded to conduct their greatest hit of all time, "Rollin' on the Swamp", also known as "Proud Scary", at the symphony hall. The performance was interrupted twenty minutes in by an unexpected flock of Perfectly Normal Beast which was about to be served as dinner for click-language-speaking cannibals from Mbulunga, Congo-Kinshasha’s (sic) answer to Walmart.... Safeway, Walgreen's, and Macy's - all rolled into one. Also, they sell cocaine extracted from the juice of young, nubile asian (sic) virgins of no more than 10, or 12 (sic). The president of a far off land thought this was disgraceful so jailed them all instead in a desert island called Ubac. But they all escaped, and settled on the shores of Aridolf. In the centre of Aridolf there is, according to legend, a huge crystal that is reputed to give eternal power to whoever touches it. Many think that this a load of cnap (sic) but the president of Thefaroffland did not and wanted to obtain (sic) any way he could. But Anywayhecould didn't want to be obtained, so he went to the president of Thefaroffland and told him this to his face. The president then proceeded to obtain him, and gave him many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many spuds to the reigning Prince of Shangri-Li (sic) (sic), who was really getting annoyed with getting the same christmas (sic) present every year. Nevertheless, he finally packed up all the spuds he'd ever received, including the old and really nasty ones, and sent them via air-mail to zomp's house.

But during flight the plane was intercepted by Terpish biojets, who thought it looked suspiciously sexist. All the tatties were then presented before the League of Nations who decided the culprit should be internationally prosecuted in Lochlann. All the titties, however, still dangled freely in the wind, to be groped by any passing third-grader on his way to a thrash-metal concert. until (sic) (sic) the President of Thefarawayland said sex was entirely wrong despite having 5 children. In fact, he gave birth to them himself. In fact, he gave birth to himself. Which (sic) was made into a film live on bbc1 (sic) and translated crappily into Welsh on S4C, subsequently being rebroadcast (sic) in 12 languages in South Africa, where many viewers saw captions and onscreen text in English, but got naught but Xhosa sound.

Meanwhile, the League of Nations obliged the government of Farawayland to take the potatoes, thus forcing an exchange of tit for tat. This happens when any country does this but Farawayland was furious and said the tatties were doing no real harm there but it would harm their business to take them away. The potatoes soon got bored of this, however, jumped into the sea, Then (sic) the words however, furthermore, subsequently, meanwhile and thus started a protest and refused to be in this story again, but the evil editors chained them and lashed them brutally. The words, having endured this pain, had had enough of being personified, so they threw "personification" out the window too. But this attempted imposed defenestration was called to an abrupt halt, because they were still chained. At this point, a collaborative author got bored of the current storyline and decided to introduce several thousand irate Welsh longbowman!

The several hundred thousand irate Irish longbowmen had a leader who wanted to take the toy shop to another world and force people to use the politically correct term "longbowpersons". However, as part of their multi-pronged moral slash antimoral crusade, the American rightwingers fought this vehemently, simultaneously being hypocritical by demanding "it" be the gender-neutral third person pronoun and shooting anyone who drank too much lemon juice. Just then, a ship full of scurvy-ridden sailors landed at the docks. But nobody cared about them, so the Porcupine Coalition traveled across America to terrorize everyone into caring. But they were trampled to death by a herd of sea-cows, so never made it.

Then along came a group of transvestites on their way to perform at a casino, when suddenly Bernadette lost her wig in the wind. (S)he then prevailed upon Sinensis of Camellia to sinapistically sophronise his/her sireniform but slimikin sollectile tragematopolist. Having no idea what this meant, the malevolent forces of the universes came together to form a great Portal of Annihilation, which sucked in the entire universe, all other universes, everything outside of a universe, and then ceased to exist. The end. But then it got indigestion and regurgitated everything, including itself, back up again, then ceased to exist once more, and everyone went about their lives agan (sic). Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, named 654A, something totally irrelevant happened. That,(sic) declared the hobbit, was the irrelevant thing. (sic)

Stave 2

One day in tellytubbyland, (sic) Xeon returned from New York, and no one seemed to notice. This was probably because, during his visit, a mad scientist, not that there are any not, turned him invisible. However, Xeon had brought with him a famous Brooklyn rapmaster named Shizzle-Mah Clay... TO BE CONTINUED?!